For the past several weeks I have been getting a flood of questions about dealing with anger in our children. It seems that the more we look at this issue from a Biblical perspective, the more we need to relearn. Much of what we have learned apart from the Scriptures has to do with either suppressing or excusing anger in our children. Yet the Bible does neither. For the next few weeks we are going to take a look into the Word of God to examine the Who, What, Why, When, Where, and How of dealing with anger in our children… and ourselves. I would suggest that every mother/woman/parent take some time to look up the Scriptures quoted, perhaps writing them out on a 3×5 card, in order to readjust the way you think and feel and believe about the very real problem of anger.

Why: Part 3

Your child is angry and you don’t know why. For the past 2 weeks we’ve been discussing trigger points- those hot buttons which, when pushed in just the right combination, lead almost inevitably to anger. Today I want to bring up that all-too-frequent problem of “temper tantrums” which the Bible terms as thumos, or explosive outbursts of anger.

Willfulness –

What we call a temper tantrum is really an all out demand:

“I want what I want and I want it now!”

When our youngest son, Matt was about 18 months old he started having temper tantrums. I’d already raised three kids through those supposedly terrible two’s so I felt like I had a handle on how to respond to these out-of-control outbursts of anger.

1. be consistent
2. no excuses- but avoid those circumstances that almost insure a scene
3. spank each and every time. (yes, I do believe that spanking is the most effective biblical means of disciplining a temper tantrum)

That’s how we’d handled these incidences in the past and it had worked remarkably well. I knew what to do and how to do it… or so I thought!

But Matt-man, as we called him back then, wrote the book on temper tantrums! He had them every single day- sometimes every hour. I mean, the knock-down-on-the-floor-out-of-control variety. Awful.

It was tempting to give up, to settle for less, to say, “Well, that’s just the way Matthew is… I’ll just do the best I can.”

But my husband wouldn’t let me. He insisted that we prayand planand work to eradicate every last vestige of temper that had lodged itself in Matthew’s character.

And do you know, looking back now at how hard that 18 month period of my life was, I am so thankful that we stuck with it. I am so glad that I limited my life for those months- and so glad that we spanked him so much!

Today, Matthew, the man, is one of the most peaceable people I know. He is not, as the Bible says, “easily angered”. When he is really pushed to the very limit of his patience, Matt deals with it with gentleness and acceptance. He has a strong spirit that he is able to keep under control with dignity and grace.

Here is the Word from God to burn into your mind and heart:

“Discipline your child

While there is hope

And do not desire his death.

A man of great anger will bear the penalty,

For if you rescue him,

You will only have to do it again.”

Proverbs 19:18,19

And someday you will be so glad you did!

From my heart,

Diane

For the past several weeks I have been getting a flood of questions about dealing with anger in our children. It seems that the more we look at this issue from a Biblical perspective, the more we need to relearn. Much of what we have learned apart from the Scriptures has to do with either suppressing or excusing anger in our children. Yet the Bible does neither. For the next few weeks we are going to take a look into the Word of God to examine the Who, What, Why, When, Where, and How of dealing with anger in our children… and ourselves. I would suggest that every mother/woman/parent take some time to look up the Scriptures quoted, perhaps writing them out on a 3×5 card, in order to readjust the way you think and feel and believe about the very real problem of anger.

Why:

Last week we discussed 2 common triggers for anger in our children. Here is one more…

Stress

Let’s face it, we live in an immensely stress filled society. Our little one’s senses are inundated by sensorial stresses from flashing lights, blasting noise, captivating smells and overwhelming crowds. Add to that the pressure to be always on the go in order to “develop your child to their full potential” and our kids have more stress than they can handle.

There is one solution to all this stress- SLOW DOWN!

So many edgy, irritated children would benefit from more quiet and more order in their lives. Time to just play. To pretend. To run and jump unimpeded by adults telling them what to do and where to go.

Reduce the level of stress in your home as well. Turn off the T.V. except for special family times when you all cuddle up together in your p.j.’s to watch a favorite movie. Many children “come off” t.v. with pent up anger. Something about processing all that stimulation creates in these children an almost volcanic response. Our son, John Mark’s reaction after watching “innocent” cartoons was to turn around and bop his little sisters! As soon as the t.v. turned off, he’d almost always erupt in an uncontrollable frenzy which led inevitably to a melt down. When we finally caught on to the pattern and stopped using the t.v. as a babysitter, all that abrasive action settled down. Such a simple thing made such an enormous difference.

Look around your home as well. Is it neat and orderly? Do you have too many toys out at one time? There is an inherent serenity attached to order, which our children react to on some visceral level. And you know, it really only takes a couple of minutes to throw it all in boxes and close the closet door. Keep your home decently tidy and you might really see the level of anger settle down in your child.

Well, I’ve gone too long… I’ll include one more anger trigger next week and discuss the repercussions of temper tantrums that come with unchecked willfulness in children.

From my heart,

Diane

Look up these Scriptures to wrap your head around what God says about stress…

Psalm 23- notice how the Good Shepherd leads His people

Psalm 90:12- isn’t this what we’re trying to do in our child’s heart?

Psalm 37

Hebrews 4

For the past several weeks I have been getting a flood of questions about dealing with anger in our children. It seems that the more we look at this issue from a Biblical perspective, the more we need to relearn. Much of what we have learned apart from the Scriptures has to do with either suppressing or excusing anger in our children. Yet the Bible does neither. For the next few weeks we are going to take a look into the Word of God to examine the Who, What, Why, When, Where, and How of dealing with anger in our children… and ourselves. I would suggest that every mother/woman/parent take some time to look up the Scriptures quoted, perhaps writing them out on a 3×5 card, in order to readjust the way you think and feel and believe about the very real problem of anger.

Why:

Sometimes we can trace our child’s anger to a certain trigger point, a hidden button somewhere lurking beneath the surface of a child’s heart which, when pushed just the right way, leads to angry outbursts. Now remember, no one can make anyone angry, it is each person’s responsibility to control their temper. Yet as a wise parent, we can watch for the underlying patterns in order to help our child overcome this sinful and destructive reaction.

Here are a few triggers the Scriptures make note of:

#1:Control

Some children (and some adults!) seem to need to try to control everything and everyone around them. That is not, in and of itself, a terribly bad quality. Our world is led by men and women who are not afraid to be out in front, leading the charge. But when that need for control leads a child to use anger as a means of the controlling people around him- watch out! It is our responsibility as parents to correct our children, teaching and training them how to use their leadership qualities wisely and well.

The problem with this trigger for anger is that it works! Friends, teachers, even parents, will often go out of their way to appease an angry child lest their anger develop into a full blown temper tantrum.

One of the reasons I am not a big fan of preschool is because the ages between 3 and 5 seem to be the optimal time for a mother to consistently teach her sons and daughters the intricacies of interpersonal relationships. While having a friend to your home to play for an afternoon, you can observe your child’s social behavior and gently correct negative patterns that emerge. By catching this tendency to use anger to control people early, you can often avoid confrontational clashes later with your child when the habit has been more fully formed.

#2:Frustration

Some children seem to be born with a quick fuse when it comes to obstacles in their path. Learning to tie their shoes can usher in hurricane force anger.

One day when my oldest son was 5 years old, we were sitting at the kitchen table while I helped him learn to write his letters. His frustration at not being able to write them “perfect” boiled over into a fit of all out rage. He threw his pencil across the kitchen, scrunched up the paper he had laboriously filled with marks, and let out a yell of unadulterated anger. Trying to calm him, I praised his letters, saying something motherly like, “But that’s a great M, you’re doing so well…”, to which he replied, “But its doesn’t look great to ME!” Ah, the pain of perfectionism.

After that outburst, I put away the pencils and didn’t allow the little guy to practice letters for a full 6 months. By that time his motor skills had matured remarkably and he was more able to produce the kind of letters his head told his hand to write.

You will need to help a child like this learn to patiently and persistently overcome obstacles by doing things with him. Sit beside him through those frustrations and be like a cheerleader encouraging him through the difficult process.

Do not allow him to take his anger out on people or property or he will be doing it for the rest of his life.

Look back here next week as we explore two more why’s of anger.

From my heart,

Diane

Some Scriptures to study:

Proverbs 16:21 (for your bossy controller)

James 1:19,20 (for moms and dads too!)

I Samuel 9-11 (study the life of Saul, a good leader whose anger ultimately drove him to insanity)

For those of you who scratch your heads and wonder what all this talk about temper tantrums and anger and defiance has been about, I can only say that for some parents with some children, it is a daily struggle.

This will be our last post about dealing with anger in our children. Next week we’ll be moving on to a series called The Box.

This is a letter I sent to my daughter in response to her crying out for wisdom concerning her almost-two year old son. I didn’t intend these words for anyone but Elizabeth and maybe that’s why I’m able to give them to you now. This is my own heart pouring into my own daughter as she guides her son- my grandson- into a life of flourishing faith.

Dear Daughter:

This is a question that I want to take a little time to answer here… I’m all curled up in my big chair with a steaming cup of tea. By my side is a pile of great biblical parenting books, along with my Bible.

What you are encountering with Duke is his version of simple rebellion. We call these “temper tantrums”. The Bible often uses the phrase “outburst of anger”. Basically, your darling little baby is growing up and asserting his drive for dominion.

He craves absolute control- not unlike the first Adam and the first Eve who chose to override God’s desire for them.

Left unchecked, this rebellion will lead to his death- if not physically, at least spiritually and certainly relationally. He will hurt and alienate people he disagrees with and he will be unable to gather the strength it takes to submit to the authorities in his life.

By dealing with this problem early in his life, while his will is just emerging, you are giving him the great benefit of learning to control those surges of willful rebellion.

If you think a 20 month-old’s outburst is brutal, wait until he’s 3… or 13…or 30. Every time you discipline him now you are enabling him to build a wall of protection around his will so that someday he will have what it takes to do that agonizing submitting of his will to the Father.

Take a peek at Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane… sweating great drops of blood in a fight against His will to avoid the hell He was facing. Hebrews 5:8 says, “Although He was a Son, He learned obedience from the things which He suffered.”

In the book Shepherding a Child’s Heart, Tedd Tripp says this, “The rod of correction brings wisdom to the child. It provides an immediate tactile demonstration of the foolishness of rebellion. Properly administered discipline humbles the heart of the child, making him subject to parental correction.”

What he is talking about is that softness that happens after the spanking is given. That is the beautiful moment when his heart beats with yours and you speak words of approval as well as correction to a gentled will.

That 1/2 hour you spent comforting him was easily as weighted of a moment as the couple of minutes it took to spank him. The two go hand in hand to complete the goal of training him to submit his will by an act of his will, and then to experience the peace and reconciliation that comes as a result.

So you see? As loathsome as this is, you are imprinting on his heart a condition which he will gravitate back to for the rest of his life. He will someday transfer the intentional submission of his will to you and Brook into an ability to intentionally submit his will to the Father- and he will instinctively know God’s peace and approval in the process.

As to how dramatic and difficult it is right now, I think that has to do with a couple of things.

1. His personality/mission

Leaders have a lot of will to learn to conquer. They are not naturally compliant people. They can be pushy and assertive and insistent. Therefore, his response to having his will denied is going to be loud and pushy and insistent.

2. His age

Duke is just finding his voice, just realizing that he is “ME”. He has very little capacity to understand “will” and “no” and “quiet”. Dreadful as it may feel to one as gentle in spirit as you are, he must learn these things the hard way

3. Timing

Some of these outbursts may be happening because you are catching it just a tad too late. After all, this temper has just started, it is a new reaction. The quicker you recognize what is happening, the less drama involved.

Most of the time we do the opposite. We wait until it gets REALLY BAD and then we set out to spank. I have found over and over again that spanking early enables the parent to spank a whole lot less and with much clearer results.

So… hang in there. Keep at it. You are building one brick at a time.

Keep filling in the spaces with verbal instruction, lots of time to play, physical affection and plenty of freedom to unleash some of that pent-up man-ness.

And don’t take it personally, dear daughter of mine. He is not rebelling against you so much as against anyone and everyone who would dare stop him from doing exactly what he wants to do.

Your job is simply to obey God, even at great cost to your own comfort.

One more thing- Pray! Give these outbursts to God. Partner with Him to shape and mold and shine up Duke’s spirit. I don’t know why we so often forget that part! We jump right into the “I don’t know what to do”, when the Father is on the sidelines waiting for you to ask.

James 1:5 is the best prayer for parents that I know. Ask God to soften Duke’s outbursts and quickly bring his heart into an understanding of submission.

Long, long answer my dear. I wish I could make it easier- wish there was a tidy formula to wrap it all up in ten days or your money back.

I do know that in the process of representing the loving but fearsome Father to Duke, you are involved in a high and holy calling. And I also know that it will take every bit of your intelligence, wisdom, understanding, and resolve to accomplish the task.

But I also know who is with you in this. Can’t you just seem Him nodding in agreement with a great smile of approval on His face? I can imagine a whole crowd of witnesses actively standing on their tippy-toes, praying for you, hoping for you, cheering you on. Maybe Duke even has ancestors in that group, Grandpa Comer perhaps?

I love you! And am so proud of your will to persist and determination to learn.

Love,

Mom

(source)

Quite a few of you have asked me to write about why I chose to devote so many years of my life to teaching my children at home.

I started to try to write something about the pros and cons of every option- public school, private school, or home school. I just couldn’t get it right.  It seemed that no matter what I wrote, I ended up simply spouting an opinion, and that’s not what this page is about.

It really is my burning desire to write wise words gleaned from God’s Word.

Then I stumbled upon a post by my all time favorite blogger, Ann Voskamp. Her reasons for home schooling her own children are stated with more intelligence and eloquence than I could ever hope to put on paper.

If you are in that wisdom-seeking process of investigating the options and deciding what God wants for your family at this time, this post is worth mulling over.

Home schooling is not a wise choice for everyone. Nor is it the mark of a good and godly mother. It is simply one viable option for some families.

Someday soon I’ll post something about how to do public school well from a mother who has been there and seen her children thrive. Those of you who choose that option will need some wise words from wise women to make that work for your family.

And I’ll do the same for the private, Christian school option.

In the mean time, enjoy those children who grace your home. Relish every moment you have to teach and train and be with God’s gifts to you.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:

This is the most important thing you will every do!

From my heart,

Diane

For weeks now we have been talking about this insidious, all-too-pervasive problem of anger in our children.

We have recognized our own anger and learned when to not discipline because our own emotions are not under control. We have taken a long hard look at how God views outbursts of anger. And we’ve examined the inner workings of our lifestyle; those patterns we have fallen into that might provoke our poor kids to acting out of frustration at a too busy, too stressed, too messy life.

Now its time to get serious.

After all you’ve done to rework your own attitude and schedule, restructuring your home in such a way as to give your young children the best possible environment for success, Johnny gets mad. So mad that he throws himself on the floor, flinging toys and flailing limbs in a grand display of fury. What now?

Spank him.

This is the way of Scripture. It is the way of wisdom. And it works— eventually.

Now, I first have to qualify what a spanking is not.

What a spanking is not:

• A spanking is not a swat on the behind.

To go after your child with your hand raised in a force-filled display of adult power is not a biblical spanking! That’s hitting. That’s what a bully does.

• A spanking is not a last resort when all else fails.

Repeated warnings and time outs and yelling and scolding that eventually escalates to spanking is a dangerous use of discipline. Your child will not have any idea when “enough is enough” if you randomly reach for the next most forceful means of conveying your displeasure.

A wise parent matches the appropriate discipline to the behavior of the child.

• A spanking is not child abuse.

Nor is it illegal. A calm, loving, thought-through spanking is not out of control or damaging. It does not cause harm to the child— either emotionally or physically.

• A spanking is not random.

It is planned, explained, and anticipated as a direct result of disobedience.

• A spanking is not public.

A carefully processed spanking is private, between parent and child. It should be done behind closed doors with a minimum of fuss. It should never be used to shame your child, nor should it ever be done in front of others. Better to by-pass the needed spanking than to spank in a public place.

• A spanking is not corporal punishment.

A biblical spanking is not punishment at all. A punishment is giving someone what he or she deserves. To discipline is a form of training your child to respond in the right way— the way that will bring blessing into his or her life.

So, you’re not going to chase your child down, or swat his diaper protected little behind, or give him “what he deserves”. Instead, you are going to spank him.

How to spank:

• Identify what you will use to spank with.

Never use your hand. I want my hands to be used to comfort and calm, not to cause pain. That brief moment it takes to go and get the “spanking spoon”, gives you a few seconds to ask yourself if this spanking is being done in careful love.

• Find a private place.

Go to a quiet room away from others, close the door, and begin the process.

• Use concise, clear words to explain.

For very young children, the less words, the better. “No temper” is easily understood. An older child needs some explanation. But avoid a scolding at this point. You’ve already decided to spank him, keep shame away.

• Ask him to tell you why you are spanking him. Be specific.

It is important that you are sure you’ve communicated your heart to your child. If he thinks you are spanking him because you’re mad, then no heart change will happen on his part. He might not agree with you, but at least prompt him to identify why you have chosen to spank him.

• Three swats are plenty.

Less is more when it comes to a spanking. What you want is a soft, sorry child, not a terrified child writhing in pain.

• Gather him close.

When the spanking is over, draw him into your embrace and kiss his tears away. Cuddle, soothe, and rock him gently as his crying subsides. If he draws away from you, pull him back and tell him he must come into your embrace. Train him that this is a part of the process whether he wants it or not. You are giving him what he needs.

• Pray a blessing on him.

This is a time to thank God out loud for all the things you love about this child He has created. It is a time to believe with God in your child. Do not pray worried, scolding prayers in front of your child, lest he think God is mad at him. Save those for later when you are alone and crying out for wisdom.

• It’s done!

Never mention it again. Tell you husband privately so he gets a glimpse into the patterns you are dealing with, but don’t make this into a big family discussion. Your child sinned; you spanked him, and now its over.

That’s just how God disciplines us, and He calls it GRACE.

From my heart,

Diane

The best book I know about biblical discipline is Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp. He thoroughly explains the why’s and how’s of spanking and the processes involved in shaping your child’s heart.

Q: My child seems so quick to anger.  Is this just a stage that will go away with time and patience? His temper tantrums seem to be getting more intense and out of control. What is going on?

A: In the very beginning of God’s story of mankind, we read the terrible affects of anger when Adam and Eve’s firstborn son murdered his brother in a fit of jealous rage. From that point on, the Bible is filled with stories and warnings and wisdom about how to deal with anger in others and ourselves.

Anger, according to the Bible, starts in the heart. It festers and grows there like the blackberry bush in my backyard, popping up in unexpected places, threatening to choke the life out of all who are pricked by its thorns. In fact, anger follows a clear progression that every parent must be aware of early on in a child’s life.

Anger often starts with with a wounded spirit.

Someone denies him something he earnestly desires and he feels a sense of hurt. Sometimes that sense of woundedness is simply willfulness. I want what I want and I want it now! At other times, this involves sin on someone’s part- an offense that genuinely causes pain. Both can lead to sinful anger.

Anger left unchecked then leads to bitterness.

If a child does not respond biblically to the offense, he will cultivate the seed of hurt by reviewing it over and over in his mind. This leads to a root of bitterness that has a defiling affect on those close to him.

1. Anger that continues down this path of destruction leads to characterological anger. This is what the Bible terms “an angry man”, or one who is “easily angered” and “hot tempered”. (Proverbs 22:24) Notice that anger does not start here, but this is where most parents realize that they have a problem.
2. Stubbornness is the next step along the escalation of anger in a child’s heart. I Samuel 15:23 uses this word that “paints a picture of a heifer pushing her front hooves into the ground to counteract her master who is trying to push or pull her forward.”[1] This child is fighting hard to become the ruler of his own destiny, rather than submitting his will to his parents.
3. Finally, the Scriptures speak of a rebellious child. This stage takes the child way beyond angry outbursts to a lifestyle of foolish behavior. (Eccl. 7:9) Rebellion rarely starts in high school. It begins with the first hint of hurt feelings and slowly escalates if left unanswered. A rebellious teenager is seething with angry feelings that have led to an angry way of thinking.

As you can see, your child’s anger is not going to go away all by itself. No child really out grows his anger, though his ways of expressing it may become less in-your-face than a two year old having a full blown temper tantrum. One wise woman gave me this advice many years ago:

Ask yourself how this behavior might play itself out in 10 years, and then decide whether you want to deal with it now-

A door slammed in anger now may turn into a teenager peeling out of the driveway in his car ten years from now.

A toy thrown across the room now may result in a fist in the face ten years from now.

Yelling in anger now may well lead to fierce intimidation and abusive speech ten years from now.

Frightening isn’t it?

That is why I believe that one of the most important things we parents can do is to teach AND train our children how to deal with the very real problem of anger in their lives.

This is not a quick fix. There is no magic pill to take or technique to master that will eliminate anger from their lives. But there are guidelines, which God gives us in His Word, that we can teach our children (and ourselves!) to follow.

I’ll write more next week about what the Bible teaches us about dealing with anger and how to train our children in those words of wisdom.

From My Heart,

Diane