LETTERS TO MY SON: watch out for a woman who uses words to wound
She brings him good, not harm all the days of her life.
NIV
She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.
NASB
Proverbs 31:12
Dearest son,
Since beginning these letters I have received some heart-rending messages from readers. One in particular just won’t shake from my mind. It’s the anonymous comment left by a young man still living at home whose tears drip all over the page. Here is what he said:
I wish my mom loved me enough to write these sorts of letters. Too often is it that she’s yelling and criticizing me and my dad and we are hopeless for the future of our family…
Some one somewhere is dying inside. And in all her anguish she’s killing the very ones she loves the most. This mother/wife/woman is not using a gun or poison or any other visible weapon- she is using her words to wound.
And my heart won’t stop aching for her… and for her son… and for the husband who feels hopeless for what he cannot fix.
This is what King Lemuel’s mother is warning her son to watch out for in choosing a wife.
- A woman who uses wounding, scarring, harmful words laced with the very essence of evil: criticism.
- A woman who cannot be trusted because she’s poking and prodding and making a man feel less than he is just because he’s not what she wants him to be.
- A woman who yells and screams at her family and then instead of repenting in humility, blames them for “making me mad”.
- A woman whose words tear down instead of build up.
Matthew, I wish I could tell you that such a woman does not exist in your world of church and Christ-followers. And I wish I could tell you that any woman who claims to love God passionately and who worships Him beautifully could never, would never be this kind of destructive person in her home.
Instead, let me warn you to listen for those kinds of “unwholesome words” in the conversations and conflicts you have with a woman you are dating.
Do not ignore evil words.
Do not sweep snide comments under the carpet in the name of peace.
Do not pretend you didn’t hear the complaints muttered under her breath as she was walking away from the conversation.
Because the rest of your life is a long time when married to a woman who uses words to wound.
And because, my dear son, there is a beautiful, godly woman is waiting for you somewhere.
She is going to bring good and goodness, encouragement and courage, hope and help and so much fun into every day of your lives together.
She’ll see all your flaws and cover them over with her graciousness.
She’ll know what you meant when you said it all wrong.
She’ll see when she pushed too hard and back off in gentle submission.
She won’t be perfect, but she’ll apologize sincerely when ugliness slips out unplanned.
She’ll be nice.
And that kind of woman is worth waiting for.
From my heart,
Mom
I need to put it out there how helpful these letters have been for me. Thank you. I have been married for 7 1/2 years and I felt the Holy Spirit urging me to read what you have been writing to your son, even though I have ‘been there, done that.’ Over the length of our marriage, I have become increasing aware that my husband’s confidence has been shattered – and I know in my heart that it has been me who has been breaking him down. A few days ago he told me that he feels like I hate him, because my words are not uplifting – I draw attention to his flaws and find myself trying to ‘help’ God make him ‘better’, for my sake. The truth is, I forget that I am still learning and growing and being redeemed daily, having not yet arrived. I have justified my behavior by believing I do want what is best for him, and so I have pushed too hard, too many times, and I fear my apologies have not been sincere – my aim has been to make him into who I want him to be. So, I’m stopping. I am moving forward by first repenting to my gracious God and then apologizing to my husband and seeking his forgiveness. I am going to make a few lists – character qualities I notice, accomplishments I admire, and strength I observe in my husband that I have shoved aside. I want to love and respect my husband graciously.
This is the most energizing comment I think I have ever read, Heather. The Spirit is giving you a gift of wisdom in response to your open hearted humility. You have a window now in which to learn to listen to His voice attentively and so what He says in the quiet spaces of your heart. Go for it! You have such power with the words you use- either to build up and believe in what God can and is doing in your husband- or, sadly as you know, to tear down the very work God is already doing. I am so proud of your willingness to change. Titus 2 tells older women like myself to come alongside younger women and teach them how to love their husbands… that word for love there means a friendship sort of love- in other words, to be friendly. Our men need us to just like them and show it!
May you feel His pleasure at your commitment, Diane
Regardless of ones faith (or lack of), wisdom is wisdom regardless of the source. Thanks for posting
Diane, I think you should have these letters made into a little book, so that all of us mothers who are not gifted in writing can buy it and give it to their sons!
You have a way of saying things, expressing things, and putting them down on paper the thoughts that have been rattling in my brain. My son is almost 14.. and I know what this world is bombarding our men with. It is a great battle well worth the fight to show them, teach them, and encourage them to live up to the Biblical Manhood that God desires for them. Thanks for helping this Mama out! -Brenda Mav
Dear Brenda,
I would love to see about something like that someday… who knows?
I agree with Brenda! I’m saving all this to show Grant. You are so wise!
Diane,
I have come across a wonderful book for wives called “Finding the Hero in Your Husband – Surrendering the Way God Intended” by Dr. Julianna Slattery. I highly recommend it to all wives or wives to be. Women have great power that the Lord intended us to use to edify the husband He gifts to us in this life.
Lisa,
I’ll look that one up- just the title sounds fabulous! Thanks for that, Diane
Diane, as I was scrolling down my newsfeed on facebook I saw that you had posted up a new blog and I was so excited to read it until I saw the title “watch out for a woman who uses words to wound” and I was hesitant on clicking on it because those words are talking about ME. I’m the woman who uses words to wound. I did not want to read it because I knew you were going to write all these amazing stuff of how a woman SHOULD be and I knew that the amazing woman I long to be, I fail to be. But because I WANT to be a woman who doesn’t hurt guys and push them away and put them down I clicked on it. I felt guilt and I felt shame and I felt hurt but I needed that. I needed to read that. I started dating at such a young age and for some reason I ended up with abusive guys, physically/verbally/emotionally and argued in EVERY relationship I was in. One of them last 3 years and those 3 years were nothing but abusive in every way almost every day. I was used to arguing, getting mad easily, yelling and calling names at EVERY mistake and I didn’t know love any other way but the “false” way, the abusive way. I, FINALLY, met a guy who loves me with all his heart, who is so patient with me, who is just the sweetest man in the whole entire world and he treats me like a princess and puts me first always and cares about me so much, Diane but I get so mad easily, give attitude, I hang up if he doesn’t say the right thing, and unfortunately called him names, and just got upset when he wasn’t “perfect.” I think when he does the little things that reminded me of what my ex boyfriends did I put my guard immediately and hurt him before he can hurt me. I hurt the one I love. It’s not something I want to do. It hurts me to hurt him and I cry right after I hurt him. I have a problem and I don’t know where to start or how to change it. Were not married, nor are we engaged, we have been together for about 8 months and this is the man I want to marry and I NEED to change, and can’t say yes to the day he will ask me to marry him until I change my attitude and start loving him, and building him up instead of hurting him and putting him down. This was an eye opener and from here on out I know I have A LOT of praying to do. I’m not the one to admit my mistakes and this wasn’t easy to say but I think I am ready to admit this is something I have a problem with. I didn’t know relationships any other way and when I finally found the true one, I realized those relationships I had were not REAL love. REAL love is him being patient with me, not calling me names, not yelling back, not hanging up on me, and staying on the phone while I am hurting him. I do not want to be that girl anymore. I want to be DONE with it. Thank you, Diane for this blog. I really appreciate it. I really, really do.
- Kathy
Dear Kathy,
There is help to be had my dear friend. May I suggest that you get up close to an older, wise-in Scripture and in life woman and open up your heart to her? Ask her to come alongside and help you figure out how to do conflict without going on a rampage- without needing to control or use words to wound. You’ll need someone to show you how you could have handled it better, to give you wisdom about how you may be thinking wrongly which, of course, leads to speaking wrongly. Don’t just try to change NOW- you’ll be defeated and discouraged. And remember, the Spirit of God is expert at this kind of changing from deep down. He specializes in this kind of thing, Kathy, and He’ll do it for you.
Love, Diane
As soon as a I read this, I immediately felt convicted to apologize to my husband for speaking words that wound. I too often speak from my own frustration or desperation and am not giving my husband the respect he deserves. Thank you for speaking this truth into my heart today.
So good! Tracy, may God give you HIs grace to keep repenting of wrong words and strength to pour grace all over your husband even when you’re frustrated.
Thank you so much for writing this. I too am just like this and it drives me crazy. I’m trying to work on it, but when I get upset the demons come out, I stop thinking, and I say things I regret later. I’m ruining my relationship with my partner, and I fear that I’m going to one day ruin my relationship with our baby when he’s older. This is one of the toughest habits to break. I love my partner, even when I’m upset I still love him to pieces, but he doesn’t see that when I act like this. Saying things just to be hurtful or spiteful is truly toxic to any relationship. He tells me that I would never put up with him if he constantly said hurtful things when he was angry, and he’s completely right. I’ve said many hurtful things to him that I completely regret, and I know there’s a barrier put up because of my poisonous words. I’m afraid that every time I get upset I’ll reel back into my old ways and make that barrier higher and thicker, until eventually he has had enough and can’t get over the hurtful things I’ve said to him. This post gives me hope that I can break this habit and is opening my eyes even more to how toxic I’m being.
Dear A,
One of the reasons I keep coming back to the Bible for real life wisdom is because it is so solution oriented. God wants to HELP us- to bring us back so close to His heart that we are actually being restored back to the people he designed us to be. Just your willingness to humble yourself and confess your damaging words is a wonderful start to restoration. But you’ll need to go deeper than just the words that come spewing out when you’re hurt or angry. Jesus said that “the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart” and its true,we all know it. May I simply suggest that you open your story fully to Him? Ask Him what is wrong? Where is the hurt? The anger? And then give Him room to change your heart. He will!