R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself,
and the wife must respect her husband.
Ephesians 5:33
We sat circled around the table in the waning light. Seven of us leaning forward, listening as women do—nodding, questioning, wanting more.
We needed Sarah’s wisdom, relished her insights. Each of us craving answers to the questions that haunt us.
A moment caught up in intense honesty.
Many years ago, Sarah and her husband, Emmerson, rediscovered a truth long buried in the pages of Scripture. A truth too long ignored by teachers and discounted by readers of God’s Word. A truth they have dedicated their lives to helping the rest of us embrace for ourselves.
That truth is this:
God wired men to need respect like the air they breathe. And He made women to crave love with that same intensity.
And we knew that, all of us in this circle of sisters. Read the books, heard the wisdom, tried to remember how to say the words right.
All of us failing, confessing the flaws, looking sideways to see if anyone knew the depth of our own shame. Of the words we wish we could delete from our histories.
And then Sarah said the words: Why don’t we see this as sin?
Sin?
Not weakness? Not issues? Couldn’t we say simply that we all struggle with this?
Sin?
When I snap at my husband for not getting it right— that’s sin.
When I growl at him because he did it again— that’s sin.
Correct him about inconsequentials in front of wide-eyed little ones— it’s sin.
Deny him the passion his body craves— sin.
Sin.
We don’t like it, any of us.
We’re good girls. Committed wives. Partners with our husbands in ministry and life.
We don’t sin on purpose. We don’t want to. Try hard not to.
But we know she’s right. This is sin, this way we don’t give our husbands the respect they need.
The way we make it their fault. The way we must be right; in control. The way we insist they be what we want because that’s what we’ve heard they should be.
The way we make them less than men.
And I think its time we started talking about this, my dear girls. This need men have for respect and our way too frequent failure to give them the honor God commanded us to hold out to His warriors.
Will you join me in this conversation? Give us your wisdom? Be honest about the discoveries you’ve made the hard way?
I’ll be gathering up your comments and posting a list soon of ways we can show respect the men in our lives.
And another list of ways we communicate dishonor to the men in our lives.
If you haven’t read the book that Emmerson and Sarah wrote about their discovery, order it now. It’s called Love & Respect, The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs.
Honestly, this is the one book I think we cannot afford to do without.
From my heart,
Diane
P.S. If you’re single and you want to know how this looks before you get married, Sarah’s daughter, Joy Eggerichs writes a fabulous blog called: love and respect now.
Thanks Diane for this post! This was incredibly convicting and really needed to hear this! It’s so true how much we want to love and respect our husbands and are not aware when we are sinning! This is definitely an area that I need to work on and learn to recognize when I do something and address it right away.
A while back I was writing about making improvements in my life and one of the areas I wanted to improve in was encouraging the men in my life. And I must admit, I’m definitely still working on it! Here’s a blurb of what I wrote:
“It’s not so much that I don’t encourage people in my life, it’s that I do so in a discriminative manner. I’m very good at encouraging the women in my life, my girl friends and sisters and mother. Women that I feel are my mentors or women I feel I am a mentor to (and many relationships that are both). But I feel that I can definitely improve in my encouragement of the men in my life.
One of my friends recently posted this quote from a Texan pastor, Matt Chandler, on her facebook status and it really stood out to me: “Encouragement in the mouth of a woman is unbelievably powerful in the heart of a man.” Every single co-ed relationship we have can be improved if the women involved in them would take heed of this statement. And not only will that relationship improve or be strengthened, but it gives the man confidence to take steps to become a better man. Every great leader needs to know that if he makes a decision, the people he’s leading will follow him. This is true of any leader, regardless of gender. If women expect the men in their lives to be leaders, they must be willing to encourage them. Men appreciate encouragement from other men, but when it comes from a woman, it’s given different value. And that value involves a smattering of emotions including confidence, responsibility, and feeling trusted.
I desire to be more encouraging of all of the men in my life. My friends, my brother, my father. I can be an influence in their lives in the simplest of ways. I already know when they do something well, now all I have to do is open my mouth and thank them. Show them that their actions are not going unnoticed.”
Wow, this is just what God is working through in my life and marriage right now. Funny how he uses multiple people to teach us, and how he overwhelms us with his wisdom when we are ready.
I think God has and is showing the ways I show respect and the ways I disrespect my husband. And I’m learning the weight on my actions on our marriage, and on him.
So it seems to be working out for me that the ways in which I show respect, have an opposite that is disrespectful. That it really is a choice. One is respectful, one lacks respect. And it’s really not the big things, but the daily, mundane things that trip me up. The carpool schedule, the yard projects, the daily grind of life.
So lessons learning…
-To be respectful is to be quiet while he is processing a response to a question or concern. To give him time and space to come to his own conclusion. That he needs stillness from me. It is disrespectful to interrupt, to rush him, to go do something else (either physically or mentally) while we are talking and it is his turn, even if he is quiet. This requires a lot of effort on my part, I something count to 100, or think of 10 things I’m grateful for about him. My goal is to stay put, and be ready when he has a response.
-To agree with him. Even when I don’t. For wisdom to know when it’s okay to just be wrong. Even when I think I’m right. That it doesn’t really matter where the bikes go in the garage, or where we stop to get gas, so why do I need it to be my way. That in simply agreeing with him, I am being respectful. In asking, even nicely, to do it my way, I am showing disrespect. And when I can live in agreement, it makes the bigger decisions less fought with tension when we need to come to agreement.
-To touch him. To melt into his hug when he comes home. To lean in for a kiss. To rub his tired feet. To curl up next to him to go to sleep. To offer physical comfort. And to do it without him asking. To recognize the need, and fill it willingly. To make him seek it out, or do it begrudgingly is disrespectful.
-To leave him alone. He needs time to recharge. And he needs it alone. Even when I’ve missed him, or I’m tired or had a long day. As much as I want his attention, he is drained. And needs to recharge alone. And when I insist that he can recharge with me, I’m being disrespectful to who he is. When I pack the schedule tight and he is always with others, I’m disrespecting his need for space. But when I’m okay with him having time alone, and honor that in the schedule and my demands, I’m respecting him.
So I’m learning how to communicate respect to my Russ. And it’s hard, because it seems to flow counter to who I am in many ways. I ‘need’ him to come home and focus on me. I ‘need’ him to hurry up, I’m running late. I ‘need’ him to just tell me what he is thinking, now. I ‘need’ him to do it my way, so it’s easier on me. And all those thoughts seem justifiable. But God has shown me that it is sin, it is pride and arrogance. That it devours and destroys our marriage, daily rot that erodes the very man I adore. But that God’s way heals and he will create in me a heart that gravitates towards respect.
Dear Anita,
Your comment is stuffed full of wisdom! Thank you for putting practical everyday pictures to this concept of respecting our husbands. For shouting out what we’d love to sweep under the carpet, for reminding us of the truth. Your words are rich.
“Sin”. Sadly the well intended mentors in my 20 something life never told me I was in “Sin”. I was told I deserved more, he should do more, he should take care of me, and he should should should. I am certain, had I learned such truths early in my life, and had women seeking to follow after the heart of Jesus and not the heart of what man thought was Jesus, I would have survived my first marriage. My husband David got that gal who learned how to honor and respect him. He has often said, he is not sure why my first marriage did not work. He thinks I am pretty nice.
David, our story told by many, was not easy for me. Marriage, even with a kind-hearted gentle soul like David came with struggle. And I had to take my struggles to the Cross. Not to girlfriends. Dishonoring our husbands with gab-gab is destructive to our hearts and more damaging to how we view, honor and respect our husbands. David, who loves and cares deeply for my heart. I am sure that would not be the case is disrespect and dishonored were dished out daily. I see the rewards of what, for years was a quiet struggle. Just me and God. Finding that God sustained my heart, my true joy and in return I could love this man. Every time I feel my blood pressure climb just a little I have to ask myself this questions…”what are the intentions of this man’s heart?” Did he really leave that mess to make his neat and orderly wife mad? Of course not, so I can not waste another thought on grumbling over that one.
Recently I came home, after sitting on the sidelines of conversation of some Christian gal, and just hugged David. They were complaining about their husbands. It hurt my heart, because I know all these couples, but not well enough to step into a conversation I was not invited into. One gal complaining that for over 20 years her husband has been doing so and so, and the others chiming in telling her how she should tell her husband what he can do with that. Broke my heart and I came home and hugged David. How you speak about your husband to your friends will either build a community that honors him, or one that others look at him with disrespect. I am so glad to read that this SIN is being exposed in all of us. elizabeth
I love this post! And the comments, also. I’m not married, but I so want to grow in wisdom and preparation, should the Lord eventually bring me a husband. It’s definitely a conversation us single girls should be tuning into, and taking notes! And as Hannah said – we can be respecting the men in our lives NOW. Brothers, fathers, those in our sphere.
The one thing I would ask is – how do you encourage men in a Godly way, without them getting the idea that you’re interested in them? Saying something like “Hey, I noticed you held the door open for so-and-so, and I thought that was really kind!” or “Thanks for leading us in prayer, it’s great how you direct our focus to the Lord…” That type of thing. How should we encourage brothers in the Lord?
A few months ago, we bought the book Love & Respect and shared it with our home group….it was like a light bulb went off in our marriages! How did men not understand the fundamental craving of women – to be loved? And why did us women never understand what men really need is respect? Men and women can never understand each other until they understand Eph 5! I’m continually awed at how the Bible is such a gold mine of truth!!!