ANGER: why: part 3
 |
For the past several weeks I have been getting a flood of questions about dealing with anger in our children. It seems that the more we look at this issue from a Biblical perspective, the more we need to relearn. Much of what we have learned apart from the Scriptures has to do with either suppressing or excusing anger in our children. Yet the Bible does neither. For the next few weeks we are going to take a look into the Word of God to examine the Who, What, Why, When, Where, and How of dealing with anger in our children… and ourselves. I would suggest that every mother/woman/parent take some time to look up the Scriptures quoted, perhaps writing them out on a 3×5 card, in order to readjust the way you think and feel and believe about the very real problem of anger. |
Why: Part 3
Your child is angry and you don’t know why. For the past 2 weeks we’ve been discussing trigger points- those hot buttons which, when pushed in just the right combination, lead almost inevitably to anger. Today I want to bring up that all-too-frequent problem of “temper tantrums” which the Bible terms as thumos, or explosive outbursts of anger.
Willfulness –
What we call a temper tantrum is really an all out demand:
“I want what I want and I want it now!”
When our youngest son, Matt was about 18 months old he started having temper tantrums. I’d already raised three kids through those supposedly terrible two’s so I felt like I had a handle on how to respond to these out-of-control outbursts of anger.
- be consistent
- no excuses- but avoid those circumstances that almost insure a scene
- spank each and every time. (yes, I do believe that spanking is the most effective biblical means of disciplining a temper tantrum)
That’s how we’d handled these incidences in the past and it had worked remarkably well. I knew what to do and how to do it… or so I thought!
But Matt-man, as we called him back then, wrote the book on temper tantrums! He had them every single day- sometimes every hour. I mean, the knock-down-on-the-floor-out-of-control variety. Awful.
It was tempting to give up, to settle for less, to say, “Well, that’s just the way Matthew is… I’ll just do the best I can.”
But my husband wouldn’t let me. He insisted that we prayand planand work to eradicate every last vestige of temper that had lodged itself in Matthew’s character.
And do you know, looking back now at how hard that 18 month period of my life was, I am so thankful that we stuck with it. I am so glad that I limited my life for those months- and so glad that we spanked him so much!
Today, Matthew, the man, is one of the most peaceable people I know. He is not, as the Bible says, “easily angered”. When he is really pushed to the very limit of his patience, Matt deals with it with gentleness and acceptance. He has a strong spirit that he is able to keep under control with dignity and grace.
Here is the Word from God to burn into your mind and heart:
“Discipline your child
While there is hope
And do not desire his death.
A man of great anger will bear the penalty,
For if you rescue him,
You will only have to do it again.”
Proverbs 19:18,19
And someday you will be so glad you did!
From my heart,
Diane
Thank you, Diane, for posting this! Our 13-month old daughter is starting to have some early versions of temper tantrums. What is your opinion on when is too early to spank? My husband and I are in agreement that we will spank, but because she is 13 months still, we have been doing the “hand flick” when she disobeys. It’s starting to feel like that isn’t getting across to her as much, but I’m afraid to spank TOO young. What are your thoughts?
I think this is something to pray together about. Watch to see if she knows she is disobeying you. That hand flick can be just a way of annoying children. A spanking is more deliberate and in many ways safer as you put yourself thru the steps to get there. We did start spanking well before 18 months. Since every child develops at their own pace, you’re going to have to study her for a while to determine when to begin spanking. One thing I am convinced of- if you wait too long, you’ll have to spank a lot more. Early intervention can prevent some of those behaviors from taking hold.
I asked Emily a few months back if she remembers being spanked. She new how to pitch a fit, and I had a “rod of correction”. She never remembered being spanked sometimes TEN separate times a day. I cried in the laundry room. Praying that God would get me through and asking God to help me to not give up on her. We had this discussion around my kitchen counter with about ten 20-somethings a couple of weeks ago, about being spanked. All such wonderful young adults and they all had a great laugh as they chatted about being kids that WERE spanked. To this day, Emily is a gentle, soft-spoken woman. Now with younger boys, this blog entry is yet another reminder to stick with it.