REDEEMING WHAT’S BROKEN… between you and your daughter
The clock is ticking towards the Day of the Mother.
It’s supposed to be good. It’s supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to be a feel-good day to celebrate and be celebrated. All about flowers and Hallmark commercials and breakfast in bed and love, love, love.
But for many among us it’s a day of dread. Of obligation and angst and walking on eggshells. A day to protect yourself in a stiff layer of don’t-go-there carefulness lest someone says the wrong thing and all hell breaks loose.
It doesn’t have to be that way.
Remember what I wrote yesterday? One of God’s names is Ga’al, Redeemer. He is the One who wins people back to Himself by pursuing and loving and paying the price to bring them close to His heart again.
And He uses people— broken, messed up, redeemed people to His job.
It’s crazy, I know, but that’s the way He decided to do redemption. Instead of writing His love in the sky, He chose to write it in words… and then He gave those words to us… and now He wants to use us to do those words for people.
For our daughters, for our sons, for our own mothers.
Are you willing? All excuses cast aside? Ready to be used by the Redeemer to win back something that belongs to you? To do what it takes to restore a relationship broken by sin and failure and regret and just plain yuckiness?
SIX WAYS TO FIX WHAT IS BROKEN…
between you and your daughter
1. Listen to her (James 1:19)
I mean really listen. Listen to hear her heart, to understand what she’s saying— and what she’s not. Do not listen with the intent to defend yourself or attack her!
2. Apologize to her (I Peter 5:6,7; Ephesians 4:30-32)
I know, I know, there are a million reasons you did what you did or said what you said. None-the-less, you hurt her. She needs to hear you say it, to know that you’re honestly sorry, that if you had it to do over again you’d do it differently.
And she won’t trust you until she hears it said— and said well. A full on apology involves these words, “I am sorry for______________, I know I hurt you. I was wrong. Please forgive me. I love you.”
Leave out the excuses, the explanations, the history, the “but you…” and just take humble responsibility for the wrong done.
3. Accept her (Romans 12:3-16)
Every woman I know longs to feel accepted by her mother. And most of us don’t. All those years of training and correcting and disciplining your daughter have an end point. By the time she’s moving on and married and all grown up a great big switch needs to be pulled. And past that point mothers should not, ought never, must not critic or compare or hint at the slightest bit of disappointment with who her daughter is… or how she does life differently than you do.
4. Approve of her (Ephesians 5:29)
This is different than acceptance. This is about finding the beauty in your daughter and holding it up for all the world to see. A mother who notices and relishes her daughter’s beauty is… beautiful! And rare.
This kind of approval is proactive. It is obvious and honest. It involves a mother who purposely sets aside her own hopes for her daughter and allows herself to relish who she really is. Out loud. A lot.
5. Enjoy her (do we really need a Scripture verse for this one?!)
You’ve worked so hard. All those late nights worrying. All those trips to the mall and the doctor and the school. The gymnastics and the horseback riding lessons and the awkward learning to be a woman stuff— now she’s grown and you get to just enjoy her! She’s not your responsibility to tuck in and fix and polish up anymore. Throw a party! Have fun!
6. Give to her (Luke 6:38)
Most mothers I know never stop giving to their children, even when they’re all old and wrinkled and creaky. But rarely does a mother ask her daughter how best to help her. Instead, we assume we know our role and sometimes we’re wrong. In fact, we’re usually wrong. The simple solution is to ask. Straight up: “How can I best be of help to you at this stage of your life?”
Then do what she says. And do it well. And keep asking. And don’t stop asking and helping her until you’re just so old and wrinkled and creaky that you honestly can’t anymore.
Just six simple possibilities.
Six wholly Scriptural ways of restoring relationships.
Six fully female approaches into the heart of your daughter.
Will you count the cost, take up your cross, and follow the way of Jesus? The way of redemption? Will you be like Him with your daughter?
Remember what I wrote at the beginning of this post?
“He is the One who wins people back to Himself by pursuing and loving and paying the price to bring them close to His heart again.”
May He work wonders as you follow in His ways,
From my heart,
Diane
Today… look up those verses, girls! They’re rich with wisdom we need.
Coming next week… Redeeming What is Broken Between You and Your Son and Redeeming What is Broken Between You and Your Mom
Thank you, Diane……so timely! Remembering that He is the one to focus on in our relationships with our daughters puts a different slant on Mother’s Day. Instead of what we want and expect, which inevitably leads to disappointment, we can drop our self-importance, humble ourselves, and see and love our daughters as Jesus would. With the help of our Redeemer and scripture as a roadmap, what may seem daunting in restoring a relationship, can lead to healing and joy! I take comfort in God’s guiding and loving hand this Mother’s Day as I follow the six scriptural approaches with my eighteen year old!
Janet, Those are wise words… and remembering to Keep our eyes on Jesus and off ourselves is essential isn’t it? Its the only way we have the confidence to humble ourselves and spit out the self-importance that brings so much shame and sorrow. thank you for your rich comment!
These are beautiful posts Di. I’m learnning from them. Thank you.
Jodi, As you well know, we’re all learning… and studying and thinking and praying and then writing it down is a wonderful way to learn. Much love to you, Diane
This is a subject matter that troubles me among so many women. Listening and hearing their stories, the sadness, the broken parts. The “I can’t unless she does” mentality. The idea, as Christ followers we can love and enjoy what is easy, those relationships that are outside of family. Yet, our own families we run from and hold captive to bitterness and hurt. I understand that hurts can go very deep, and on our own we are not able to begin these six steps. God’s word is so rich in helping us take those steps. As we take those steps, it’s not about the past, it’s about redefining the future and filtering that Love through Jesus and his example. Brilliant thoughts on this matter Diane. Can you tell I am passionate about redeeming relationships. Happy Mother’s Day to you, and the daughters in your life who are now mothers too. blessings, elizabeth
So wise, Elizabeth! “Its about redefining the future…” In the strength of His love and through the clear teaching of His Word we can actually do that… or at least do our part and be at peace with the outcome. What amazing power is in this treasure of wisdom. Happy Mother’s Day to you too!
Diane- I am looking forward to your entry about redeeming relationships between you and your mother. I read this as a daughter and have looked for these things from my own mother but it has come very rarely when I needed it the most and in recent years. My mom is great and I am realizing more recently how despite the damage that I see (and can so easily point out) how much I love her and care so much for her. The tables have turned in the past years and I feel very much as if my relationship with her is where I trying to show her these things that you mentioned above to let her know that I deeply care and respect her. The season she is in right now is one where she needs a listening ear so often and that is me. She is not a believer and it makes it hard to have a full and complete relationship with her when this is the case… yet I have spent to much of my life and time frustrated and angry because she cannot give me these things above. Just recently God showed me that she is struggling and lost and the more I point out to her (and to myself) that she currently is not what I need her to be as my mom, the more resentment and angry and unforgiveness will take root in my heart. I don’t know how to fix it all but I do know that God hears my cries for my relationship to be restored and my love that is beyond what I understand for my dear mother. There is so much that I value that I have received from her in my personality and my care and compassion for other people, among so much more! I am just at the beginning of understanding and embracing this, while allowing and seeking other women out who are and can be that mother role in my life.
Looking forward to your next couple posts about this!
Blessings!
Danielle
Danielle,
This whole position of “motherhood” wields incredible power to cause damage. It seems there ought to be an education required… some sort of licensing for the role! Instead, we come into this powerful place just as we are, with all our own hurts and inadequacies and pain causing tendencies.
But you can learn from those mistakes she’s made, Danielle. Its one of the great hopes in our relationships- we can learn as much or more from the wrongs done than by someone who does everything just right. Pray for grace and strength and wisdom- and then watch what He does. Much love, Diane
Diane, this is awesome instruction. So clear, helpful, and easy to understand. I can’t wait for next week’s posts!
Oh Diane, I am in tears. I am printing this list off and keeping it close. Thank you dear sister:) xo
I feel such gratitute in my heart this morning for God’s leading me to your blog. I was heading in the wrong direction with my 22 year old daughter. Reading your posts and the comments of others has made me STOP right in my tracks and decide to allow God’s grace to change my course TODAY! I have known for quite some time that I needed to make the change, but I didn’t know just how to begin to do it. Recently I have begun to recognize that I am doing/saying the very things to my daughter that have hurt me with regards to my mom, so I am overjoyed that I read your post today. Thank you for your clear and wise direction. It is something I believe that every mother should absolutely read. Thank you for your post on moms and sons. My son isn’t married yet, but I will have the wisdom in your post stored in my heart for when he does. Diane, thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your wonderful insights with all of us!!!!
Dear Debbie,
What a wise and encouraging woman you are. For you to do such an immediate turn about in your relationship with your daughter is just… inspiring. Most of us excuse ourselves and blame others- while you just jump in and do it! May the Father give you all the grace and wisdom and words you need to turn things around with your daughter… and I have the feeling your someday daughter-in-law will be one very blessed woman. God bless, Diane
Just for clarification, thank you also for the wisdom for mother’s of sons. I will apply it asap. I especially love the words regarding my future daughter in law. Thank you!!
I was taken aback by this. Mostly because my daughter posted it on mothers day. It stung a little but not because i dont agree with it, Because its true, I hurt her, and i needed to acknowledge it to her, and ask for her forgiveness. We have been doing pretty well for the last year, but there is a void there, a mistrust if you will, that i can hear in her voice on the phone. She wants too but she hasnt heard from me regarding her pain. that i caused. Thank you for writing this out. It helped to have step by step. I wish all things were as easy to follow with our children. Thanks agian!