LETTERS TO MY SON: two kinds of women
TWO KINDS OF WOMEN:
GOD-NEEDING
OR
MAN-NEEDING
Dear Matthew,
There are, I have come to see, two kinds of women: God-needing women and man-needing women.
God-needing women are women who are learning and growing and practicing what it looks like in everyday life to “hope in God” (see I Peter 3:5). They’re not perfect, not by a long shot. But they’ve figured out that only God can satisfy the craving in their hearts for more. And they’re pursuing Him actively and purposefully, gaining wisdom and knowledge and intimacy with God.
These women intentionally reject the notion that a man will make them happy. Instead, they look to God for all that He has to say about happiness and joy and serving and giving out of the overflow of a heart that belongs wholly to Him.
That’s the kind of woman I pray you find when the time is right.
Man-needing women are pursuing men.
They’re sure that a man will quench their raging thirst for affirmation and affection. The right man, they dream, will sweep them off their feet and carry them away to a world of beauty and romance and love, love, love.
And they’ll drain you of every last drop of your hayil in their frantic attempt to find what they crave.
Now, let me tell you the real truth about me.
When I married your dad I was just 19 years old. I had grand dreams of being a godly women, wanted with all my heart to serve Him and honor Him. I knew I was marrying a godly man and I loved everything about the life he offered me. With my head in the clouds, I imagined that being married to a leader would offer me security and a place in this world. It would be like being at church 24/7. All happiness and singing praises and satisfaction at the deepest level.
I was wrong.
In reality it felt like the church wanted everything from Phil and I was supposed to be chipper and happy and smiling and nice all the time.
But I was lonely.
And needy.
And not happy.
Somehow we survived that tumultuous first year of adjustments and my unrealistic expectations and I began to realize that my good and godly and loving and romantic leader of a husband would never fulfill me.
In fact, the deeper I delved into Scripture, the more it dawned on me that it was not his job to fulfill me!
Yet that yawning hole inside my soul beckoned to be filled. With your dad’s wise guidance and many hours spent with godly older women, I began to understand that my desperate neediness was meant to drive me into an intimate and satisfying relationship with Jesus. And that He alone could fill those empty places.
But, Matt, it wasn’t a pretty process.
And that’s why I want to warn you away from women who erroneously believe that a man— any man— even you, will make them happy.
With Lemuel’s mom, I want to warn you away from such a woman- a woman like I once was. Because the truth is, I was sucking the life out of my husband, trying to grab all his strength and vitality and attention for me.
And you know the rest of my story.
How God let me get to a place of deep surrender and how He has been filling me and feeding me and satisfying me all these years— not by my good and godly husband, nor through my super-smart-absolutely-perfect children, but just in Himself.
Lemuel’s mother cries out for her son to listen! listen! listen!
She knows that the wrong woman will ruin the king. The word there in Hebrew means to “wipe out”. And that is exactly what can happen if a leader marries a man-needing woman.
And it is almost what happened to your father— because of me.
Next week, I’m going to write out another one of those lists for you. I know how men think in tangible, identifiable terms. But for now, just listen, my son.
Don’t be fooled by the giddy idealism of a girl who thinks you will sweep into her life and carry her away on your gleaming white horse and make life perfect.
You can’t.
What you can do is invite a woman whose heart is filled with God to join you in serving Him. You can offer her the breathtaking adventure of following at whatever the cost. You can point her to the security that can only be found in Him. You can point her to the Cross, and all the life that dying to self offers to everyone who chooses His way.
I love you, son. And I’m praying that you will have the discernment to know the difference between a woman who needs God and a woman who needs a man.
From my heart,
Mom
To the women who are reading this:
Can you offer some practical pictures of what a God-needing woman does with all that desire for more?
Would you help me explain what it looks like when a well-meaning woman thinks a man might fill that emptiness?
After all, I’m thinking there must be a whole lot of women like me who are learning the hard way how to find all our hope in God.
Very well said!!
A real God-needing woman realizes that God is more interested in our Holiness than in our happiness. Happiness is a bi-product of living a holy life.
You are so spot-on! When we get all absorbed in the quest for happiness we become miserable- and make everyone around us miserable too!
Great insight- let’s keep reminding each other… I need to hear it over and over again.
Hi Diane,
Hannah from NC again! This post is so accurate and something I think a lot of women struggle with. I know I have. There is this desire deep within women for more, to be cherished, to be loved and even in relationship with a man the depth of that need is not met. I have found that the biggest differentiation between being a God-needing women and man-needing woman is by where I find my fuel. Am I fueled by the Scriptures, God’s words and affirmations. Do I let His grace and truths guide me? Or am I fueled by the men? What I think will impress the other person? Their approval and love? There is nothing more unsatisfying than attempting to fuel your spirit on the fuel of men’s affections. Their affection is a gift but was never created to fuel our soul like the Father! I once told a high school girl who was asking me about this topic it is like we women are a muffin and God is the creme filling. He goes down deep inside of us, filling in all of those little pockets and holes and filling us up from the inside out making us better than we ever were before. Men and relationship in the lives of women are the cherry on top. They are the blessing on top of what God has already filled up. If you are not filled to the brink with the Lord than the cherry (men and relationship) cannot take it’s rightful place and will fall into the hole meant for only God, ruining itself and you in the process. It is a silly illustration but helps me hold onto the truth that God has to fill us in order for a relationship to be a blessing! Thanks for all of your wisdom and grace as always!
Hannah
Hi Hannah from SC!
I love your illustration… and I love creme filled muffins! The picture of God filling all those crevices and my man being the cherry on top will stick with me right when I need to be reminded. Let’s keep telling each other the truth and try to paint real life pictures for those of us who are a little slow to grasp God’s real plan… thanks!
PS One of these days you’ve really got to come visit us here in the Northwest…
What a wonderful letter, Diane. Though I’ve only heard you speak and read nearly every “He speaks..”, I feel I know you because of your kindred spirit, thank you.
Needy women often begin by exuding a lot of confidence, which is attractive to healthy spiritual men. Their neediness may not show up for awhile, and sometimes men need to look a little deeper to see it. One of our sons had a crush on a young women like this in our church years ago. He came to tell me that their friendship at church had resulted in his first kiss, and he was very uncomfortable, had not wanted it to happen. As much as he ‘really liked’ her, he said “something doesn’t feel right”, but he couldn’t exactly figure it out. We talked about this topic, and as co-pastor of the youth group, I had picked up the “neediness” that he had not. He still didn’t see it until he asked for space in the friendship, and that’s when the weakness showed its true colors – moderate attempts to control and manipulate, lots of drama and emotion, numerous phone calls to see what he was doing, things like that. It was not easy for any of us, but we had to let our son work it out himself, and were confident that he could. She loved the Lord, but it could be that she had not given over personal struggles that may have arisen from her parents’ unhappy marriage. She had not yet discovered Jesus as the Source of her identity and well-being. It took a few months for our son to first gently, then finally, to let her go even as a friend.
Years later, he met the love of his life and they have a baby together now. I am also happy to report that the first young woman eventually discovered her need for reliance on Jesus alone. She was a late bloomer, but matured wonderfully and herself is now happily married. I believe that, as difficult as it was for them both, the way my son handled the friendship helped move her towards that healing.
Dear Nola,
Men usually do not see this, but often sense that something wrong. Good for you for listening and helping him discover what that wrong was really about.
A great story… and so typical I’m thinking. I was a “late bloomer” spiritually and emotionally too. Such a kind choice of words
And congratulations on the new grandchild!
thank you Diane. Please keep writing, your messages/letters are so timely.
I absolutely LOVE reading anything you have to say on here. I check your blog every night before I go to bed and am always delighted to see new material you have for me to delve into. Your words are always wise and often times bring me so much comfort or even joy. However, this particular post left me feeling a little confused and troubled! Why are there only two “kinds” of women? What about a woman who is God-needing but man-wanting? I’m only 18 years old and I am completely aware that I have time to get married. I’m in no rush, but the desire to someday share my life with a man is definitely there. I grew up in a Christian home, but for the last few years (until about a year ago) I was the kind of person that just called myself a “Christian” and didn’t really live like one. I don’t know why or how it hit me, but it did. I started thinking of the future. I wanted a good, Godly husband and I wanted children who knew and loved God, but first, I had to become the kind of woman a man like that would want and I had to know everything I could about His word because if I wasn’t going to teach my children, then who would? Maybe my motivation was all wrong, but it worked. This irrepressible HUNGER to know everything I could, came over me and while I dove into His word and took everything in, I couldn’t help but fall completely in love. It was all I could talk about and all I could think about. It was even all I could sing about. Now, i’d had ‘highs” in my relationship with God before, but this was much different. It was much stronger and more intense than anything I’d ever experienced before and I was incandescently happy and the only desire I had, was to serve and honor Him. I was forever changed, but even with all this excitement, I knew that it would be very difficult to make it last. Maintaining that kind of excitement and joy is tough in a new relationship with God (or anyone, for that matter) and I knew that I would have to work on it all the time. I was deterimined to make sure that even though I’d get frustrated and there would be times that it would be hard to feel Him there with me, I would make sure I never drifted away from Him again because life with Him brings me a peace and happiness that I know I can never get from anyone else. Especially from another human being. During that time I didn’t need or even want any man. I was too busy loving God. Now, however, I still don’t need any man, but I do want a man. God IS enough, but as humans, we need another human there with us. God created Eve for Adam for a reason, right? My question is, why does everybody keep telling women that until they realize that God is THE ONLY one they need, they aren’t living right? Or that only when they’re so deep in their love for God, that they become oblivious to all men around them, will God send someone their way? Isn’t that the wrong motivation to pursue a relationship with God? Am I really supposed to feel bad for eventually wanting a husband? God is my EVERYTHING, but does He have to be my Only Thing? He is my Number One, but aren’t I also allowed to have a number two? You tell your son to stay away from women who think that a man can make them happy but if we all thought like that, would any of us be getting married? I do not expect my husband alone to be able to make me happy, but I do hope that a man who truly loves and purues God, can bring added joy to my life, on top of the peace and happiness that only God can provide. I hope I didn’t offend you. I truly love reading all of your posts and I will continue to look forward to it everyday! I feel like you are my virtual mother!
With love!
Simona
Simona you are absolutely correct- and it is a beautiful thing for a woman who is chasing after God to wake up to her desire to serve Him by loving a husband. Of course you want both! But you have already gotten to the point that you know a man is not going to meet those deep needs you’ve already had met by God Himself. That took me a long time to grasp. I think I was filling my life with rules- doing the right thing to obey God- but had no idea about that kind of intimacy that will fill the emptiness. I think I honestly assumed that my husband would do that.
I love this role of loving and helping and partnering with my husband! And you will too, now that you know Who it is who fills you all the way full. God bless!
PS No offense taken!
Umm. Wow, I love this. For the past three weeks I’ve been working over this kind’s of things in my head, praying about it, unsure about what my intentions are. I kid you not, about two weeks ago these very thoughts made their way into my heart. I realized that I want to be so in love with the Creator that any decisions I make are not my own, but His. And then, a few days after I realized that, I had an indescribable urge to walk so closely with him that I don’t need anything else. That doesn’t sound nearly as eloquent as it should, and it was something so much greater than that. I wish I could put into words what he spoke into my heart, but I really can’t, I couldn’t do it justice.
This was such an aptly timed post, I think so many of my thoughts were affirmed by this. I’ve totally been the second one, often I have a hard time thinking of guys as brothers, and not just possible dates. But more and more He’s teaching me how amazingly wonderful life is with Him as my everything, and he’s showing me the beauty of his works and he’s showing me the beauty in other people and I’m starting to see the amazing intricacies of his design. I’ve been questioning Him and He’s been providing peace and answers, I’ve been learning from Him. I’m so imperfect and He’s so perfect, and that’s been blowing my mind. I could keep going on and on, but I’ll stop. That really could have been much shorter, but I had to speak to the absolutely perfect timing of this, and how for the first time I think I really get what being in love with the Creator is.
Once again, thanks for another fantastic post!
It sometimes amazes me to see that God is pressing a particular truth on me… and on a whole community of other women at the same time. I love that! Then when we all share it together we get a rounded and real picture of exactly what it is He is saying and how to make it happen in our lives. So good. Thanks for being willing to ramble it out… sure sounded eloquent to me!
I’ve been reading this blog for a while and haven’t really interacted with it other than being an on looker. I feel like this is such a great post though and want to throw in my ‘two cents’. You are absolutely right about the woman who needs God vs. a woman who needs man. I think all of us women struggle with this even without realizing. Before I got married I was pretty independent and didn’t really date much. Sometimes I’d feel lonely when friends would start getting married off but (at least compared to friends) it didn’t really phase me, I knew I needed to be content in the LORD, I knew a man would never complete me, etc. And then I got married. The typical “you don’t know what your expectations are until they aren’t being met.”
I’m not a highly emotional person, I don’t know.. I guess I thought marriage would “feel” different. I didn’t expect past insecurities to surface, I didn’t expect to be easily disappointed, and I never thought I’d “change” after getting married. By the grace of God I cried out to him for clarification and wisdom, but I was definitely guilty of having some subconscious idea of what a change in martial status would look and feel like. I felt really lonely and couldn’t understand why. And it was because I was being purged. Purged of the crap I didn’t even know existed. And I had to deal with it ASAP. It’s embarrassing to even admit this but I think our first year of marriage would have been much more difficult if I didn’t recognize, seek the LORD and by his strength hit re-set on my newly-realized expectations.
Is she willing to change for herself, by herself, before you came along? If someone is unwilling to change… run the other direction. That’s the piece of advice my dad told us was most important.. adaptability. And when you decide to get married, then graduate, then loose a nephew, then have your sibling in prison, get married and honeymoon/move across the country to find a house and start new jobs that aren’t locked in yet, find a new church/community, and then move and have another job change within six months,.. you realize how important adaptability, trusting each-others intentions, and relying on the LORD is.
I guess all this to say that there are two kinds of women; a woman who needs God vs. a woman who needs man. But sometimes they are one in the same without realizing it, and prayers of wisdom and discernment between honest doubters and willful disbelievers is crucial. No matter how much a woman knows she needs God we all need purged to holiness, which marriage can do so well if each partner keeps their spouse before themselves without keeping tabs. That way it’s not about my loneliness and disappointment, but how can my desires and insecurities be used for us to reach holiness as one.
Matt, you’re lucky to have a wonderful mom and godly example. Thank you for being transparent through her for the glory of God.
“I guess all this to say that there are two kinds of women; a woman who needs God vs. a woman who needs man. But sometimes they are one in the same without realizing it, and prayers of wisdom and discernment between honest doubters and willful disbelievers is crucial. No matter how much a woman knows she needs God we all need purged to holiness, which marriage can do so well if each partner keeps their spouse before themselves without keeping tabs. ”
Phenomenally well said! Especially the part about them being one in the same, and keeping your spouse before yourself without keeping tabs.
Leslie I love your expression “being purged”. It reminds me of the Biblical illustration of the refiner’s fire for purifying gold. All that ugly, black “dross” comes swimming to the surface. It needs to be skimmed off and thrown away.
thanks for a really intriguing and wise comment.
For me personally, it was my intense love for my husband. I loved him more than life, and thought that was okay. It is okay, but it’s not enough. And it’s not God’s plan for me to place him first, but that is what I did. I wanted to be his everything, and he be mine, and no one can be our everything but God. I think just as much as I wanted to be his everything, he truly did want to be mine. Without realizing it, my expectations and view of how our life should be was telling him he wasn’t good enough, even though I never felt that way inwardly. In a way I think I sucked pieces of life out of him, without really realizing it. It was my error, and equally his error, but definitely not God’s design. My husband has left me, and me being who I was/am, does not excuse that choice he made, but I can see how I didn’t help him. I pray he’ll seek God, and his will, and return, and see that I have a first focus in Jesus that’s far better then him being my first focus. Maybe someday…
Dear Beth,
I am dumbfounded by your openness and humble heart. That is so rare! Please keep “preaching” this message to women… we need to hear it over and over again to get it in our thick heads. How many men have given up (and you’re right, its still his responsibility) because we want more from the marriage and they get defeated by our need.
Thank you for your really wise comment. I hope to hear more from you in the future, Diane