LETTERS TO MY SON
Several months ago, my son Matthew wrote me an email asking one simple question… would I do for him what I had done for his older brother many years ago… would I write a series of letters giving him specific advice as to what to look for in a wife?
Matt was seven when I first started writing those letters. His big brother was away at school in the days before email and Facebook and Twitter. For over a year I wrote letters, folded the paper, licked the envelope, and dropped those missives in the mail.
I tried to explain to him how women differ and what I saw as his greatest need. I painted a picture for my firstborn son of a woman whose life would mesh with his— of a helper, a partner, a lover, a friend for the rest of his life. I knew, in that way that mothers know, that John Mark would be a leader.
And I knew John Mark.
I called those letters, “In Search of Eve” – I know, I know, it does sound incredibly corny now, but this was back in 1998 when baggy jeans and white-bleached-sticking-in-every-direction hair was in style too.
It made sense back then.
And it sure seemed to work for John Mark. Those letters mystically coincided with his discovery of Tammy. There in black and white was a handwritten description of the woman who had captured his attention. As he read those letters from his mom he was astounded at how accurately I was describing a girl I had never met.
Well, you know the rest of the story. John Mark and Tammy have been married for ten years now. They have two of the most intelligent, amazing, engaging, handsome boys in the world (okay, maybe I’m just a tiny bit biased) and have just adopted a beautiful African daughter into the Comer heritage. There is no doubt in my mind that Tammy is God’s gift not only to my son, but also to me. I love her like my own daughters and she fit my son in ways I could never have envisioned while laboring at my desk over those letters.
And now Matthew wants letters of his own.
And so, over the next few weeks and months, I will be sharing with all of you what I write to my son. He’s agreed to forego his privacy just a bit in order to allow his friends and people neither of us know— but both of care about, to learn alongside him. I’ll be using the last chapter of the book of Proverbs to guide my advice to my son.
Proverbs 31 has long been studied by women hoping to learn how to be the perfect woman and the “ideal wife”. But that was never the purpose of this oft-maligned chapter of God’s Word.
It is simply a letter from a mother to her son.
Now, granted, included in the middle of that letter is a description of woman of such beauty it fairly takes our breath away. And leaves us lowly less-than-perfect women more than a little intimidated.
But that, I would argue, is not what this mother intended. She was writing to her son, not to women. And she knew her boy. She’d studied him and prayed for him and watched over him since before he emerged from her womb.
Now he is a man, a leader, a king. His vocation as ruler/politician/warrior puts Lemuel under intense pressure to perform and provide. And his mother knows he needs a godly woman to come alongside him and bring balance and wisdom and grace to his leadership. A woman who will fill the empty places of his heart, while bringing him honor and immeasurable help.
And so she writes her letter to her son. And I write to my own son.
And both of us beckon you to read along. To think and ponder and imagine what a truly good wife can do alongside a truly good man. And what a truly good man should know about women. And what women should know about what it means to be truly good.
But while you’re reading, will you do one thing? Will you forget the idea of “ideal”? Will you set aside the fairy tale notion of “perfect”? Instead, will you look with me at what God has to say about the value of a good woman?
And will you give me lots of grace in these next series of posts? I’m writing to my son, not studying for a commentary.
I’m the mom of a man-boy who is preparing for his future of leadership and mission.
And I’m the wife of a leader— a truly good man who has taught me and corrected and protected me for just shy of 34 years.
I’ve learned most of what I know the hard way. By making mistakes and coming up short and being disappointed in my self-centered self. And then by turning to the Scriptures to find a better way of being.
This is my answer to my son’s question—
Mom, what should I look for in a wife?
From my heart,
Diane (aka Mom)
P.S. Why don’t you take some time this week to slowly read through Proverbs, chapter 31? Allow yourself to think through the wisdom in God’s words to you. Go ahead and jot down a few notes and send me any questions that come to your mind.
I am struck by your sons’ desire to have such wonderful advice passed on to them from their mother. I don’t know many 18 year old young men but I’m guessing most of them are not asking this kind of question of their mom. I love that we can see how they respect and honor you through asking such a question and I pray that the 3 boys I am raising would have the same kind of respect for their dear mother at that age.
Carissa,
To be honest with you, I am continually amazed at the openness and teachability of not only my son, Matthew, but of so many other young men and women who crowd our church. There is a passionate desire in their hearts to do this right… to follow Jesus wisely and well. Something is going on in this generation that is unlike anything I have ever seen… and my Matthew is right there with them, leading the way. I hold my breathe in anticipation of what God is doing…
This is by far the most awesome thing I’ve ever heard of! You raise the bar for what I aim to be as a mother when I have kids some day, Diane, and I appreciate that so much!!!!
Thank you for sharing!!!!
Natasha,
Just so you know, its not because Matthew thinks I’m so perfect that he wants me to write these letters… its because he knows I know him… and love him… and might just be able to guide him through what is a confusing process.
It is my prayer that I use this opportunity wisely and carefully. That I hear from the Father and know what to write…
Oh, I’m so excited for this!
Having two of my very own sons now, it is my prayer that they find wives who love and honor the Lord. Thanks to both you and Matthew for letting us into this special place in your relationship.
Amber
Just like you with your babies, I prayed for the wives of my sons and husbands of my daughters from the day they were born. Prayed them through their childhoods, prayed for their parents, asked God’s protection on their teenage years. Then to finally meet them was such a humbling moment of discovery.And what I prayed more than anything is that they would love the Lord their God with all their heart, mind, strength and soul. Not that they be perfect… but that they pursue God with passion.
What joy you have ahead of you, dear Amber! Love, Diane
Diane, this is a priceless legacy of love for us to give to our sons, daughters, grandsons and granddaughters. My only son is grown and has two precious sons of his own. My two daughters are also grown with children. Now, I have 6-grandsons and 3-granddaughters who I absolutely adore. I want them to find spouses who have a heart and love for the Lord. I’m asking the Lord to get down into my heart with His Wisdom and to help me pull away from my busy schedule so I can extend simple wisdom letters to my grandchildren. Thanks for sharing.
Janet, Wouldn’t that be an amazing treasure? Letters from your grandma written specifically to and about you? I love your idea… Diane
Okay, I’m totally inspired to start writing letters for my boy now! Can I start when he’s 7 1/2 and is missing his two front teeth? Lukas already believes God is calling him to be a missionary. I treasure so many things in my heart for my little boy. I can’t wait to sit before the Lord and listen to His truth about Lukas’ future wife.
I’m so glad you’re going to do this!
What a beautiful gift for both you and your son! I know my mother would give anything to hear that question from my brother and to have that kind of impact on his life. I have to say thank you for sharing this…it is an answer to my prayers recently…as a young woman so in love with the Lord and seeking to be a great wife someday I am looking forward to what God has to teach me through your words and advice on this blog! Thank you for sharing your wisdom and experience.
Kendall,
Since this 31rst chapter of Proverbs is actually written by a mom to her son I think women do well to “listen in”. It is my great joy both to write these letters to my son and to share them with men and women who want to listen. God bless, Diane
I’ve been asking the question lately of what does a godly woman look for in a godly man so this will be so amazing and a total and complete answer to my prayers! Thank you so much for sharing this I’m so excited to see what God is going to teach me in this series.
What a beautiful name you have, Aunnah! I am thankful that it is on the hearts of so many young men and women to know how God wants them to focus as they prepare to be a wife or husband. God bless, Diane
Looking forward to what you are going to share in this series! Thank you for sharing with all of us.
Rebecca, I miss seeing you here on the West Coast! I’d love an update on your life and family… Diane
I so appreciate your humility Diane. It’s all over this blog. BEAUTY!
I loved in one of your responses here that you stated that Matthew is asking you for your advice not because you are perfect but because you know him! What an incredible gift to give your boy man.
This is just one more reason why I admire you so Diane. You show us what it looks like to live and love and do it all in Him. You show us that while “perfection” may be elusive, striving to live as He intended – to be a good woman, wife, mother, grandmother, sister, aunt, whathaveyou – need not be a chore, but rather a delight! We can all only hope there are mothers out there praying us young women into the lives of their sons!
It’s been said before but once again… Your family is SO blessed to have you! (As are we!)
Dear Lauren, You are so skilled at loving with your words! Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you! And yes, many mothers I know are praying for their daughters to be. I can hardly wait to meet the woman who will be Matt’s wife- and I love my oldest son’s wife (that would be Tammy) as if she’s my own daughter… and I love Tammy’s mom, Penny too! What an amazing gift that is… I feel sort of spoiled! God bless, Diane
Diane, that just gives me chills and literally brings tears to my eyes. I have prayed for my son Titus since the very day he was born that God would bring him ONE women that he would be fixed upon at the right time and only have one love and that love be God given. A Women who is passionate about Christ, as his my son’s helper. I pray they share the same mission and he can be an example to all the young men in his life. Approaching marriage as God designed it…. Innocent, pure and of him. I am so happy to hear that you son’s have found this in their wives and that covering came from you and Phil. I know Matthew will continue to seek God and God alone for his wife. Of course with the help of his mother
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I look forward to reading your letters to Matthew in hopes that Titus does ask me one day for the very same thing.
God Bless and keep on writing….. Amazing!
Lesley