FOUR REASONS FOR MARRIAGE: sexuality part two
The Other Side of the Story about Sex
Phil and I have had the immeasurable joy of raising 4 children to adulthood. For over 31 years our house has sung with the sounds of people growing up, exploring their worlds, expressing their opinions, and inviting friends into this snug circle.
Two of my children are introverts like me: John Mark craves long stretches of time alone to think and study and Elizabeth rarely wanted more than a couple of friends over at a time.
Rebekah, on the other hand, always seemed to be organizing a party. Breakfast on a Saturday morning, a movie night starting way too late for reasonable early-to-bed-early-to-rise mamas like me.
But it’s Matt who has filled our home with crowds. Something’s always brewing with him and his ever-expanding group of friends. And these are some of the best people I know. Fun and fully involved, these teenagers and twenty-somethings have found strength in each other. They spur each other on to godly living and give each other courage to forge out new paths as they relentless pursue God.
I’m more than a little impressed by them.
One of my favorite things is when the men in this group cram into Matt’s room at the top of the stairs. It’s a tiny room, stuffed to the gills with books and computers and a keyboard and who knows what else. Yet in they squeeze, for what I’ve learned to anticipate… a time to talk about girls.
Just like girls, every one of these guys either currently likes someone, or is dating someone, or is scanning the crowd just to be sure not to miss out.
And that’s a good thing!
These men are fully aware that the next major decision of their lives involves finding and pursuing and getting to know the one who they hope will be their happily ever after romance.
And since our room is just a few feet away from the door they always keep open (trust me, the scent of 6 or 8 guys crammed into that miniscule space necessitates an open door policy!), Phil and I get to hear some fascinating conversations.
This is no lousy locker room boasting. Their conversations are laced with Scripture they’re memorizing and hopes they have for bringing the Kingdom of God into their world.
Really great stuff.
But it’s the girl talk that intrigues me. And so I’m going to clue you in on the snippets I hear over and over again from that crammed in space, and what I think you really ought to know…
They think you’re beautiful.
Really.
It’s the first thing they say after they’ve met you or talked even a few minutes with you. They don’t notice your make-up or lack of it, your new hairstyle, or even your size.
If you’re nice and your eyes dance when they talk and you give them just a bit of encouragement- you’re beautiful.
They do not share Hollywood’s narrow definition of beauty. In fact, I am sometimes flabbergasted at who they think is beautiful and who they aren’t attracted to at all.
Which gives rise to the next point…
You need to be your own version of beautiful.
The great make-up magnate, Bobbi Brown, lamented that the women she works with look in the mirror and see only their flaws. Instead, she advises that women enhance their best features and simply ignore everything else. I think that’s wise advice.
God is a artist and he created beauty in you. Go ahead and enhance away! But please, please, please stop concentrating on what you don’t like about yourself. It will only make you self-conscious and awkward… and crabby and defensive too!
These guys see your beauty at first glance. They’re intrigued and intimidated by that beauty.
Since beauty is so very important to men, why in the world would you not try to look your best?
Some women really don’t like men’s focus on beauty. They expect men to “just love them as they are”. And there’s truth there of course, but I think we need to banish the lie that what we look like doesn’t matter.
These godly, fighting-hard-to-be-pure men delight in a woman’s beauty.
In his best-selling book entitled, His Needs, Her Needs, Willard Harley share years of research to conclude that one of the top needs of a man is “an attractive spouse”—which is clinical-eze for “a beautiful wife”. He spends an entire chapter talking about a man’s deep desire to spend the rest of his life with a woman he finds lovely to look at.
If you’re starting to steam at me right now, please go back and reread #3… your own version of beauty…
When a man entrusts his life-dominating sexual needs to a woman for life, he is taking a great risk. They really think you must be driven by the same needs they are. It comes as a bit of a shock to men that women don’t daydream 24/7 about sex.
And it hurts them to the core when girls/women/media moguls make light of their battle to reign their desires in. This dominates their lives!
Its time women joined in respectful acknowledgement that men are driven hard by a physical and emotional need for sex. As Christian women, don’t you think we ought to be in awe of their attempts at purity?
Will you commit yourself now to handling your future husband’s need with great care and commitment?
Stop flaunting your body to men.
There, I’ve said it.
We all know what we’re doing when we wear things too tight with too much skin exposed. Women crave the attention they’re sure to get when they use their bodies to entice a man.
Being beautiful and even alluring does not require immodesty.
Let’s give these guys a break! They’re fighting an uphill battle to reign in all that male testosterone. The enemy is shaming them constantly by their vulnerability to sexual temptation- don’t you be a part of Satan’s schemes!
I am praying for you, dear daughters of my heart, as your sort this all out. I am asking the Father to help you discover your own beauty. I am asking Him to shed light on all those lies you’ve swallowed for far too long. And I’m thanking Him that He knows your hearts… and finds all beauty there.
From my heart,
Diane
Modesty is a huge part of being a marriageable, Godly women as the bible emphasizes. In addition, this issue is greatly emphasized in the “lovology” series. In addition, I still struggle with believing certain aspects of myself are beautiful in my eyes. It is comforting to know that most women struggle with this (including ones in relationships with men who constantly tell us we are beautiful) I really, really enjoy this blog. It helps me to be more of a Godly girlfriend to my Christian boyfriend and Godly woman to those who surround my daily life. As my boyfriend and I are seriously praying over marriage, this blog brings up great points to contemplate and talk about. Thank you so much for your insight. God bless.
Yea for you, Briana P!!! Great article here! Thanks for sharing on Fb:) – I bet NPF would like to have it shared on it’s page too.
Dear Briana,
I think every woman alive struggles to know that she is truly lovely. And i also think its a battle we must win if we’re going to be free to be the beautiful women God created us to be- at every age of our lives!
Love to you, Diane
All of this is so, so true! Having struggled my whole life with my body image, and even still do now (even as I have found the man of my dreams who reminds me of my beauty every single day and that I am 6 months away from marrying) I think the point that needs to be made is that GOD is the only one who can make you feel beautiful. He created you in His image! If you don’t believe that, you have no chance of believing a man when he tells you that. You think that having a man tell you and show you that he thinks you are beautiful is going to make you feel like you are on the inside, but really all it does is make you more self conscious when he forgets one day or when he leaves you for someone else. But GOD, He never leaves you, never forsakes you, and He always is willing to remind you of your beauty if you ask Him.
You are so right Chanel! If you can feel the beauty of God in you every time you look in the mirror, you will be able to receive the love of your soon-to-be husband. And that’s so important because then you’ll have all the freedom to unveil your beauty to just him.
Love, Diane
You go Di! We tell our girls, “Modest is hottest.” I loved reading this.
Jodi, I really like that motto. If you don’t mind I think I will steal it!
That is indeed a great motto! You are raising godly girls- and they’re beautiful too!
This is a great thing for girls especially ones in their younger teens like me! I really love this so much thank you thank you thank you for this!
Nicely said. I do have to say, you gave me a laugh when I scanned my facebook this morning. The title of your piece and the first sentence were crammed together with no period, so I started reading and got “The other side of the story about sex Phil and I have had”… I had to reread it several times, knowing that I must not be reading it correctly. I know we go for honesty, but there is also privacy!! Anyway – thanks for the laugh AND the great piece.
Oh dear! Now you’ve got me laughing! I’m watching my grandsons for the next few weeks and barely had time to post at all… I’ll be much more careful from here on.
Dear Diane and sisters,
Looking back on my last godly relationship, I see that even though it was completely pure, I didn’t do a very good job of being helpful! I see now my flaws in that relationship and the familiar sin I carried over to my “new life”. From a past of slavery to sexual impurity, I had to fight the temptation of impure thinking and lust. And the evil thoughts of, “He will only like you if you flaunt your body.” Thankfully, Jesus taught me a good lesson and he showed me something VERY IMPORTANT! Even though you and your boyfriend aren’t touching physically, you need to help him mentally! Ladies, be aware of your clothing, sitting positions, words, and closeness! Let’s help our brothers as much as we can to fight the war of purity!!! He will LOVE you for it!!!
Dear Vanessa,
What a beautiful way to show respect for your boyfriend’s manliness! Of course he sees your beauty- now you’re giving him space to be the man God wants him to be.
Love, Diane
I just want to say how much I adore this post. Body image/ feeling adequate enough for guys/ thinking questions like “how skinny and pretty do I have to be for him to like me?” have, I am not pleased say, been something I’ve always struggled with. I remember a really defining moment a while ago when I just decided to ignore all of the media, and told God I didn’t want to listen to that definition of beauty. It was this moment of total release, I can’t even describe it.
I’ll be completely honest, finding the balance between healthy and obsessive is definitely still something that I struggle with, and seeing models who are twigs still makes me want a different body shape, but God absolutely has been working in me, He guides me through my extremely self-concious moments, and He’s most definitely been there in the moments where I could have made the wrong decision about my body but didn’t.
I know God has the right guy out there for me, and so I’m waiting. I love seeing this post and knowing that whoever my future husband is, they’re thinking these thoughts. This other side is absolutely fantastic!
Elisabeth,
You are so wise to choose to turn off the hurtful messages that the media blares at us. Being your own version of beautiful is an art- and yes, it takes some work! Hearing from these young men how they see you has been eye opening for me! God bless, Diane
This is coming to you from NYC! I am absolutely smitten with this blog, Diane, and it brings me such encouragement to hear all of these women sharing stories and learning together. You are helping women all over the country to hear God in the everyday.
grace + peace, and thank you
Dear Stanzi,
What a joy to have you be part of this community all the way from NYC! I, too, am so encouraged by hearing women who are willing to open their lives to each other. I’ll be keeping a look out for your comments, Love, Diane