Early this morning I woke up to all that delightful snow melted away.
And my soul felt as heavy as the skies outside, dripping with too much dreariness. I wasn’t depressed, not even sad. Just not happy.
And since it’s normal for me to wake up happy and full of energy and zest for the day I was kind of concerned.
What’s wrong with me?
The Lord had been speaking to me recently about how serious I am all the time. After over a year of mind-boggling drama in my extended family, I’ve lost some of that hope-filled part of me that keeps me seeing every glass filled more than half full.
And so this morning I asked God how. How do I lighten up?
Ignoring the problems that persist doesn’t work; every phone call and visit brings it all back.
And I’m not really much inclined to what most people consider fun. I’m a pretty boring kind of person. I racked my brain for something fun I could do to help me lighten up a little, but couldn’t come up with anything.
Well, at least anything that wouldn’t cost money…
My idea of fun can’t be done in an afternoon. I love to hike high in the Sierras, lounge by a lake, take off on a road trip with Phil in his mini— top down of course!
Not much chance of any of those things today.
So what God whispered to my listening this morning surprised me:
Sing? Really? Me?
But I’m deaf. I sound terrible. Toneless.
You want me to sing?
Well I waited until my son, Matt, left the house to get us both a treat of really good coffee from Peets. Even lightened up enough to order myself a cappuccino. Nonfat of course.
As soon as he left I started to sing. As quietly as I could and still call it singing, I tried.
It’s hard for me to remember songs since I really don’t hear them very well, but one old hymn kept coming to my mind and so I sang it over and over again.
Great is Thy faithfulness
New every morning…
Dah dee dee dah, dah dah dum dee dee dee….
Great is Thy faithfulness Lord unto me.
Strength for today
And bright hope for tomorrow
Thine own great Presence
To cheer and to guide…
My breath caught.
I’d forgotten… again. He is my strength for today. He is my bright hope for tomorrow.
Not my solutions to what everyone ought to do to straighten out the mess they’ve made.
Not the elusive dream of having every cupboard clean and organized, a pristine garage, and all my photos neatly ordered on discs.
He is the One who cheers me despite real life stuff going on all around me.
He is my guide.
I am not a victim of other’s choices.
I’m following Jesus.
By now I was singing louder. At least I think I was. Without my cochlear devices on, I can’t hear a thing… including me. (and that, dear friends, can be a good thing at times!)
There I was, folding laundry, belting out His faithfulness and believing every word.
I felt as light as those doves that feed every morning on our back deck.
Dancing a little now, I sashayed out into the hallway… and ran smack into Matthew.
If you’ve ever sat next to me in church you’ll know that when I “sing” during worship I keep my voice very, very soft. Oh yes, I’ve seen those stares. I have a good idea of exactly how a deaf girl singing must sound.
But Matthew swooped me into his arms and said, “Mom, that’s beautiful! I’ve been out here listening. So beautiful, it’s made me cry.”
And sure enough, tears had gathered in my almost twenty-year-old son’s eyes.
And of course, tears started spilling from mine. Happy tears of pain conquered and hope tinkling bells of sweet sounds that I hear.
I can sing. I will sing. Loud and free and with a little dancing thrown in! Because It’s not about me…
Great is His faithfulness… new every morning… Lord, unto me.
Will you sing with me… no matter how you sound?
From a heart that’s feeling lighter with every note,
- January 19, 2012
- My Heart