IN THE SHADOW
Fear has stalked me my whole life.
Since I can remember, I’ve been afraid. Afraid of heights, afraid of falling, afraid of getting lost in the grocery story, afraid of getting in trouble, afraid of anything fast.
Nicknames get attached to little girls like that…
Scaredy-cat,
Chicken,
Worry-wart…
I was afraid of people too. Afraid of being noticed, of talking to someone I didn’t know. Afraid of standing in front of people, of giving book reports, of giving speeches. Afraid to walk to my teacher’s desk to ask a question (After all, someone might see me!).
My imagination ran rampant. It ran my life, defined my days, and determined my future.
And my fears grew up with me.
As a teenager, I was afraid to walk through the courtyard area where hundreds of students gathered for lunch. Instead, I’d walk all the way around the school to slip into the cafeteria unnoticed.
As a young woman, I was terrified of staying alone at night. Every creak and groan of our old house shot a surge of adrenalin through me. Was someone there?
I wouldn’t drive alone to visit my little sister in college three hours away. The roads were isolated, after all. What if my little Volkswagen Bug broke down?
Earthquakes scared me the most. When I was fifteen, my family moved to California. Every few months, it seemed, the earth rattled and shook. The slightest tremor would leave me weak-kneed for weeks. I imagined the house coming crashing down around me, being trapped, alone. The rumbling of a truck left me scurrying for cover, an airplane overhead sent my heart racing.
But somewhere in there I gave my heart and life to Christ. I heard that He was my Father. That He cared about me. That He would take care of me. I read His Word and sang His songs and surrounded myself with His people. Little by little, fears fled. I grew more confident, composed even.
But earthquakes were still my undoing.
I remember sitting on the edge of my bed once, talking on the phone, when the bed began to wiggle wildly. I turned to scold my son (sure he was bouncing on the bed!) only to realize that the whole room was shaking! I could hardly sleep on that antique iron bed after that, every movement felt like that tremor.
I prayed for courage…
prayed for strength…
prayed for healing…
Nothing.
It seemed I was destined to be defeated by fear for the rest of my life.
Then it struck. On a mellow October day, the Great Quake of ‘89 rocked my world. Literally. As soon as it started, I knew it was a big one. Really big. Hollering for my kids over the ear-splitting roar, I grabbed them close as we huddled in a doorway. When it was finally over, we weaved our way through our broken glass-filled living room to the back yard. News from neighbors filtered in fast. Several tuned in to the emergency broadcast system since phones were out and power lines down. Hundreds of people had been crushed beneath falling bridges and buildings. Some were still trapped.
And that’s how God freed me of fear.
In that moment, when all our lives were completely and unequivocally out of our control, He stepped in. He took over. He became to me who He is~
El Roi: the God Who Sees
El Shaddai: the All-Sufficient One
Adonai: Master
Who can fear when He is so supremely in charge? When the Master of the Universe, the One who can shake and subjugate the very earth, is watching over me, how dare I be afraid? Suddenly my fear-filled life seemed silly, trite, and petty. Wasn’t it time I put my hand in His and trust Him fully?
“The steps of the godly are directed by the LORD.
He delights in every details of their lives.
Though they stumble, they will not fall,
For the LORD holds them by the hand.”
Psalm 37:23,24
NLT
From my no longer fearful heart,
Diane
Thank you Diane, once again you have touched my heart with the perfect words to hear.
Bless you Sweet Lady!
Michelle
Thanks Diane for sharing from your heart! This is exactly where I am at right now, especially since I had my kids. This is one area of my life that I need to let God be control of. I know that He is there, yet I let the enemy haunt my mind. I’m realizing today after reading this that I need to surrender all my fears to the Lord.
Its a daily, sometimes hourly reminder, isn’t it? When your imagination runs wild, choosing to shut out all the possibilities and entrust yourself to the One who loved you enough to suffer unimaginable cruelties for your sake. Its hard work… and essential to any kind of joy-filled life. He’ll take those fears you offer and slowly but surely work His stories into your history so that it gets easier and easier.
It’s so funny, because I was just thinking today about how I am currently allowing fear to overtake and consume my life. My problem is a bit more trivial, bugs. We’ve had issues with them in our apartment, and now I am anxious to go home in fear that there’ll be more waiting for me, or hiding somewhere, or invading my personal belongings. I fear that I’ll bring them with me when I move, and all these other potential situations that seem silly when I even speak them out loud. But internally, I have been allowing them to seep in and grow when I shouldn’t. God is here and he will protect me, and I don’t need to worry about something so small that cannot hurt me. You’ve inspired me to pray and read from the scriptures and work on giving this up to the Lord instead of letting it continue to grow and become more unhealthy. Thank you Diane!
I know that earthquake! I remember being huddled under the kitchen table, 10 years old, watching everything around me shake and tremble. I didn’t know the Lord yet. I wonder how it would have changed my perspective if I had…
Were you living in Santa Cruz at the time? Or did you feel it in SF or San Jose? I think its called the Loma Prietta earthquake now… something like that.
I grew up north of SF in Petaluma. We felt it plenty strong there. My husband (who I didn’t know at the time) was in the middle of crew practice on Lake Merced in SF and didn’t feel it at all. When we moved to Oregon a few years ago it was the first time in my life I didn’t have to keep earthquake safety in mind.
Thanks for sharing that story. I actually struggle with the opposite. What if I say too much? What if I volunteer to go in front of the class too much and the teacher says, “sit down”. What if in a crowd I take over? What if in church I pray so much in a group setting that some one else doesnt gets the opportunity. What if someone is offended by my offering too many solutions? Wow being “non-shy” has it’s own fears too. But God is my compass and I surrender those fears hourly daily too and in a way so that I don’t overtake my conversations to God and forget to listen and give Him a turn to speak.
My goodness, I’ve not thought about the fears of being TOO bold! I’ve just envied women like you who charge ahead fearlessly with no apparent angst at all. Such a good word for us to understand the undercurrents… the behind the heart scenes going on deep inside. Thanks Kim
In 2009 I was going through a storm and this affected my nerves and fear cripped in. I became fearful of driving because I felt I had no control of the car and would crash. I could not drive on moter ways and started either asking my husband to drive or use Public transport. This fear was so strong that I became afraid to comment/share at meetings aor fellowship. It controlled my life and I lost so much could not do things I could do in the past. My children were so shocked and my husband sometimes thought I was pretending but it was real. I started memorising some scriptures ” I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”, God has not given me a spirit of fear but a spirit of love and sound mind. Be bold be strong for your Lord God is with you. I would nevr leave you nor forsake you.. As the scriptures keeps flooding my mouth I start saying them loudly then the fear starts going away and it helped me and I can now drive with no fear but still haven’t driven on motor way yet and can speak publicly again. Thanks be to God.